Here's A Tip

Published April 8, 2016, 8:33 p.m.

My brother and I had finished eating a delicious meal when the bill arrived.

“Are we going to leave a tip?” He asked.

I scoffed. “This isn’t America, we don’t need to do that here.”

“Yeah, but the service was pretty good,” he countered.

“She asked us what we wanted, and then brought it to us. That’s not ‘good’ service, that’s the bare minimum. Anything less and we would still be hungry. Unless we need to start rewarding people for not spitting in our faces or being casually racist.”

“I don’t know, I feel bad not tipping,” he said.

“We’re not tipping. And you shouldn’t feel bad,” I replied as I added my cash and closed the leather bound booklet thing that bills come in these days. “It’s not necessary.”

So we left. We descended a couple of flights of stairs to street level, and walked a good 400 meters, when we could hear frantic running footsteps behind us. Then someone darted in front of us. It was the waitress from the restaurant!

“Excuse me,” she said, holding something up to my brother. “You forgot your hat.”

“Oh, thanks,” he said, stunned at this admittedly exceptional display of service. He retrieved his hat, knowing full well he had left nothing to help ease whatever financial burdens she might be experiencing, and with that she headed back to the restaurant.

I looked at him. “Now you should feel bad about yourself.”

What Were They Thinking?

Published March 16, 2016, 8:25 p.m.

Our whole software department received an interesting email. It was a job offer, where we could work from home, with a starting salary of $4000!

It didn’t mention a timespan for this $4000. Was it a monthly salary? Hourly? Yearly? Maybe it’s a single one off payment, and then that’s it, that’s your remuneration done. You want to keep getting paid?! You’re like a leech, sucking this company dry!

I suppose I could’ve found out if I clicked on their link and downloaded their definitely virus filled “information” executable. But why did they even bother? You can’t fool software engineers with email viruses. That’s like trying to get a doctor to pull your finger. They can see what you’re trying to do a mile away.

We had a bit of a discussion on what was going through their heads when executing such a poorly conceived plan. Then one guy hit the nail on the head.

“I think what they’re trying to do,” he said, “is disrupt our productivity by getting us to stop work and have conversations like this one.”

Which I think is a brilliant strategy! If you’re facing stiff competition from someone, try sending them spam emails. Not to infect them with viruses, but to make them scratch their heads with confusion. Every second they spend scratching their head is a second they’re not working towards the same goal you are!

Here’s some sample emails you can try:

Subject: Heyy there!!
Heyy babe!. I’m a hot sexy woman. I saw your photo on that website, and I just wanted to say I wasn’t overly impressed. Yeah… just didn’t do it for me. Maybe it was your teeth? I don’t know, it’s hard to pin down what the problem was. Anyway, cya.

Subject: From the Palace Of Nigeria
I am the wife of the now dead Prince of Nigeria. His family are trying to claim all of his assets, of which I am entitled to. My late husband had FOUR HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN (417) kettles, that I am trying to get out of the country. I am asking for $4000 to pay shipping fees needed, as well as for you to hold them at your residence for EIGHT (8) months. Your reward will be TWO (2) kettles of your choice (apart from the solid gold kettle). Please help us out!

Subject: Please download this virus.
Let’s cut to the chase. Research suggests that when people try to sneak viruses into emails by using poorly written subterfuge that A) most people don’t fall for it, and B) most people don’t like it. So we thought we’d try and meet you half way, with a clear and open agenda. Please download this virus.

Good luck!

The Price of Attractiveness

Published Feb. 7, 2015, 8:24 p.m.

If you want to know how classy your town/suburb is compared to others, go to the supermarket and see what percentage of people are wearing trackpants. The higher the percentage, the less classy your town is.

Not that trackpants are bad. They are the 2nd comfiest pair of pants you can wear (the first, of course, being no pants at all). If I was the last human alive, I would roam this earth wearing trackpants. But, because other people exist, I wear jeans in public. Most of us do. Tight, stiff, coarse uncomfortable jeans. Why are we wearing them when there’s clearly a better option available?

It’s because jeans are more attractive. Which leads to a very interesting quirk of human behaviour: We are only attracted to uncomfortable people.

Before we go out in the evening, we all try and make ourselves look more attractive by making ourselves more uncomfortable. We put product in our hair, wear clothes that are so tight that we can’t sit down properly, remove hair with wax, shoes that cut up our feet. But if we saw someone in baggy clothes, reclining in an armchair with chip crumbs all over themselves, we’d be like, “Nup. I don’t find that attractive. They’re not uncomfortable enough for me. Although that is what I would be doing if I was at home.”

We all want comfort. But we don’t want comfortable people. That just strikes me as odd.

The only logical explanation I can think of is that it’s easier to impress uncomfortable people. If you meet an uncomfortable person in a club you can go, “Hey, why don’t I take you away from this dark, crowded, noisy environment, get you out of those uncomfortable clothes, and into a nice comfy bed.”

But if you meet someone scratching their ass in a hammock, you’d go, “Well there’s nothing for me to do here. Their situation is already pretty good. I’d just be disturbing their comfort. I’m not needed here, good day.”

Suspiciously Difficult Hangman


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